Arrr...Cappy here...I know you've probably thought I wasn't coming back...And for awhile there I wasn't...It was the worst kind of not coming back, the kind that cowardly, weak and selfish men take when they think only of their own aching and suffering. There has been a lot of introspection...Re-examination of self and faith...Hard words...Change and questioning the stars. The length of the journey is different for different folks, mine is surely not over but I will continue to make it...It's a long journey I have to take for myself.
Movin' on alone when I had things so perfect is one of the most difficult things I have been facing...The loneliness. Aye, there are the mates but they only see so far into your soul and you can only burden them so long. When you've been connected to someone all the way through your soul and now its gone...Well, there is an irreplaceable emptiness, time will mask it but it will always be there...I will feel it the rest of my days but I'm getting stronger...
Arrrr...More to come...Cappy out...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The Wreckage Of A Broken Love
Love After Love
by Derek Walcott
by Derek Walcott
*
The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.
*
True and excellent words that are best heeded by my horribly broken heart. The pain is still excruciating but lessening slightly, the loneliness all encompassing and is nearly unbearable...Punishment of myself is constantly pushing me to that darkest of edges and yet no one knows...I keep it locked away as a last resort to calm my emotionally shattered mind, paranoia still rampant. I continue to ask the question and I don't have an answer for myself, yet I'm the only one who can have it. I will still exist...For the time being...Tears seemingly still my only close friend but even they seem to be abandoning me in the sea of despair.
Cappy...Out
Thursday, August 30, 2007
It's All Fun & Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye!
I often times work with a matey I call Sammy Safety. Sammy's a good`ol salt who is kind of like an unappointed "Safety Officer" when we're on the job or doing special projects. Sammy doesn't hesitate to point out to a person (Captains or Swabbies it don't matter) to use extra care or pay closer attention to avoid being physically injured at whatever you may be doing whether it's replacing a forestay to the bowsprit or peeling `taters he's always keeping a watch. Now most of the time its things that should be common sense to all of us like wearing protective gloves or maybe a slightly different way of working a task to minimize the chance of getting hurt and sometimes Sammy sounds like an old parrot that only knows two words: "Careful Now! Careful Now! Careful Now!" he squawks!
Well it was a few months ago we're workin' a small maintenance job with some new fangled power tool and Sammy was beside himself with glee at the chance to use it, "We'll make short work of this mate" he crowed. He turns on the tool and it begins to howl like a banshee! I wave him off and have Sammy shut it down, "What's the problem Cappy?!"
"I think ye forgot somethin' mate..."
"What? What's that? This little beauty will have these pieces trimmed up in a blink and we're done!" Sammy crowed.
"Safety glasses mate...`Work safe and stay workin' that's what you always preach." I said tapping on mine.
"Ahhh Cappy...You're worryin' like an old sea hag, knock it off and let me get this done will ya?" Sammy turns back, fires up that howlin' banshee again and sets to it. Small flecks of flashing are flickin' off everywhere and Sammy is goin' after it with the devil's grin on his mug. A few seconds later I see a bigger chunk come flippin' off, Sammy's head snaps and he lets out a big grunt! The banshee tool quickly shuts down and me mate turns around holding a hand over one eye, I can see blood all over and know its not good.
"Get `ur hand away...Lemme' take a look!" I snapped. Sammy slowly lowered his mitt...Thank God he still had his eye but high on his cheek right under it was a nasty gash that took 3 stitches to close! Ol'Sammy Safety was pretty sheepish after that.
I would guess if you're a shipmate who likes to give advice you should probably follow your own...
Arrrr...Cappy Out
Well it was a few months ago we're workin' a small maintenance job with some new fangled power tool and Sammy was beside himself with glee at the chance to use it, "We'll make short work of this mate" he crowed. He turns on the tool and it begins to howl like a banshee! I wave him off and have Sammy shut it down, "What's the problem Cappy?!"
"I think ye forgot somethin' mate..."
"What? What's that? This little beauty will have these pieces trimmed up in a blink and we're done!" Sammy crowed.
"Safety glasses mate...`Work safe and stay workin' that's what you always preach." I said tapping on mine.
"Ahhh Cappy...You're worryin' like an old sea hag, knock it off and let me get this done will ya?" Sammy turns back, fires up that howlin' banshee again and sets to it. Small flecks of flashing are flickin' off everywhere and Sammy is goin' after it with the devil's grin on his mug. A few seconds later I see a bigger chunk come flippin' off, Sammy's head snaps and he lets out a big grunt! The banshee tool quickly shuts down and me mate turns around holding a hand over one eye, I can see blood all over and know its not good.
"Get `ur hand away...Lemme' take a look!" I snapped. Sammy slowly lowered his mitt...Thank God he still had his eye but high on his cheek right under it was a nasty gash that took 3 stitches to close! Ol'Sammy Safety was pretty sheepish after that.
I would guess if you're a shipmate who likes to give advice you should probably follow your own...
Arrrr...Cappy Out
Monday, July 30, 2007
There's Someone for Everyone...
Aye mates...Cappy here...Been keepin' me head down takin' care of some chores for my favorite wench while here on Terra Firma. Now when I call Lady K a wench its not meant with any disrespect, I say it with affection and in a playful way. If Lady K thought I meant it any other way she'd say some words to the Capster that you would never say in polite company that would make an old Navy Master Chief blush, words you might not know the meaning of and probably shouldn't know! Bear in mind, Lady K, while a very classy gal, would have no qualms about heaving Ol'Cappy's sea bag, and Ol'Cappy, ass over apple cart right into the street!
Its nice to have a someone special to come home to after you've been out on a job. I'd been around with a few gal's when I met Lady K. I'm sure at first she didn't know quite what to make of an old fish skinner like me! Rough around the edges, grizzled and full of stories that were pretty tall I was certain she was just being polite with the attention she sent my way. It didn't take that little guy with the bow to put one square in my fleshy parts for me to become smitten with Lady K. She's gentle, kind, has a big hearty laugh and is tough as nails. She's all woman and a lady but she won't suffer fools, she can drink grog with the best I've ever seen on the sea's but a nice wine is usually her drink of choice. Lady K is smart, resorceful, keeps a tidy home and is a Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Cousin and Grandma second to none.
So there...Now you know what keeps me comin' back to dry land. Oh, and there's somethin' else about my favorite "wench". When she smiles at Ol'Cappy my heart does a little jig, when she gives me a hug we become one and when she kisses me, well...That's just between her and I... a *wink* and a *smile* for you me lady...
Arrr...Cappy out.
Its nice to have a someone special to come home to after you've been out on a job. I'd been around with a few gal's when I met Lady K. I'm sure at first she didn't know quite what to make of an old fish skinner like me! Rough around the edges, grizzled and full of stories that were pretty tall I was certain she was just being polite with the attention she sent my way. It didn't take that little guy with the bow to put one square in my fleshy parts for me to become smitten with Lady K. She's gentle, kind, has a big hearty laugh and is tough as nails. She's all woman and a lady but she won't suffer fools, she can drink grog with the best I've ever seen on the sea's but a nice wine is usually her drink of choice. Lady K is smart, resorceful, keeps a tidy home and is a Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Cousin and Grandma second to none.
So there...Now you know what keeps me comin' back to dry land. Oh, and there's somethin' else about my favorite "wench". When she smiles at Ol'Cappy my heart does a little jig, when she gives me a hug we become one and when she kisses me, well...That's just between her and I... a *wink* and a *smile* for you me lady...
Arrr...Cappy out.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Saying Good-Bye to Old Friends...
Aye Mates, sorry Ol' Cappy hasn't put more up since I've started this fangled blog thing! I felt some down time in the Northern climes was necessary for the Capster so I shoved off for some time around large bodies of fresh water. You see, June was a tough month... A month where I lost a couple of old shipmates. Now understand that no matter how well intentioned its tough over time to keep in touch with people you've come to respect and become friends with especially when your making your way through the adventure that is life. You're chasing around trying to make a living, raising a family and casting your sail into the breeze of the 7 seas. Ye tries to keep track of `em but time and distance catch up...You settle for small snippets of news and then even that is months, even years old and not very accurate.
In the span of 10 days in June I lost 2 men that had been close to me in my young formative years. Pop and Paulie. They didn't know each other but both had a profound impact on a young pup full of piss and salt water.
Pop was a gentle man who, in his younger days, was a trick rider on the rodeo circut. He married late in life and accepted the mantle of being a dad to 3 young girls. Pop kept a roof over their heads, walked each down the aisle and worked hard well into his 70's. He revelled in being a grandfather and had 125 acres with an old farm house on it that, in his later years was his respite from a severely more complex and PC world than the common sense days that forged his heart and mind as a restless young buck becoming a young man.
As gentle as he was Pop was also a man's man, a hunter with a keen eye who liked a good bottle of brew, or 3, maybe a shot of Peppermint Schnapps and had a crazy little giggle that would make ye smile as he spun a tall tale, the bulk of which were mostly true! He taught me about the land and giving back...Of acqaintences versus good friends...And respect. Pop introduced me to other men he considered friends and they always looked out for one another. We spent long hours at that old farm, cutting wood, hunting, laughing...Enjoying each others company and talking about life. Oh not in those specific terms but thats what it really came back to and I was a willing student.
The years went on and it came time for me to go. We both knew that time would come, it had been spoken about somewhere in our dialog but neither wanted to acknowledge it. I set sail on a new part of my life but I always thought and spoke fondly of Pop.
Nearly 15 years have passed since I last saw Pop, he was older and becoming infirm. Though the twinkle in his eyes had dimmed and his giggle was less quick we none the less still felt our solid bond. I hugged him mightily when our visit ended. I guess we both knew that that would be our last time together. It angers me that it was such a long, slow course that finally took Pop to God's arms. He suffered much the last 5 years or so and there was no good reason for that to happen to such a good and gentle man but then there are no answers to the Lord's plan.
I know that now, freed of pain and this life's burdens, he's probably walking the farm with his brother Charlie, Grandpa and his old dog Sam. Jim...May you eternally be in God's embrace... Rest gently now my old friend.
Paulie was one of my first battle hardened captains. He took a chance on a young, snot nosed salt (me) who was brash with confidence and potential. When you worked with Paulie you became one of "Paulie's Boys" literally becoming one of his family, welcome in his home and on his boat. While not large in stature it was the size of his heart and the lessons that he passed on that were invaluable. We lovingly, and respectfully, nicknamed him the "Crazy Greek" and he never failed to live up to the label.
He always seemed to be harder on Ol' Cappy than with the others. I happened to mention that to his delightful wife Joan, her reply was one of the highest compliments I ever received, she said "That's because you remind him allot of himself when he was your age...He wants to make sure you do things right!" He taught, I learned...Work hard then you can play hard. I made note on how Paulie lead men and women, how he got people to give that extra effort and then after we had achieved our goals, how to be gracious about it. Yes, Paulie was special, my mentor, my friend.
It was inevitable that Ol' Cappy would move on to other places and jobs, Paulie had prepared me well. It had been nearly 25 years since I'd last seen him and not quite that many since I'd gotten any word about him but when it came the message was sad and final. Paulie had been in a bad way the last few years battling Parkinsons and it finally claimed him. He died at an age where people say it was too soon for him to go and selfishly I would tend to agree but if I would have seen him in pain and suffering...Well, that's just a whole different lot.
I could go on about both these fine men but I think it might be good for Ol' Cappy to let their memories rest for a little while since I've shead my tears. Let me paraphrase a small passage I learned on my journeys: "May you always ride the wings of the morning and dwell in the uppermost parts of the sea..."
Arrr...Cappy Out.
In the span of 10 days in June I lost 2 men that had been close to me in my young formative years. Pop and Paulie. They didn't know each other but both had a profound impact on a young pup full of piss and salt water.
Pop was a gentle man who, in his younger days, was a trick rider on the rodeo circut. He married late in life and accepted the mantle of being a dad to 3 young girls. Pop kept a roof over their heads, walked each down the aisle and worked hard well into his 70's. He revelled in being a grandfather and had 125 acres with an old farm house on it that, in his later years was his respite from a severely more complex and PC world than the common sense days that forged his heart and mind as a restless young buck becoming a young man.
As gentle as he was Pop was also a man's man, a hunter with a keen eye who liked a good bottle of brew, or 3, maybe a shot of Peppermint Schnapps and had a crazy little giggle that would make ye smile as he spun a tall tale, the bulk of which were mostly true! He taught me about the land and giving back...Of acqaintences versus good friends...And respect. Pop introduced me to other men he considered friends and they always looked out for one another. We spent long hours at that old farm, cutting wood, hunting, laughing...Enjoying each others company and talking about life. Oh not in those specific terms but thats what it really came back to and I was a willing student.
The years went on and it came time for me to go. We both knew that time would come, it had been spoken about somewhere in our dialog but neither wanted to acknowledge it. I set sail on a new part of my life but I always thought and spoke fondly of Pop.
Nearly 15 years have passed since I last saw Pop, he was older and becoming infirm. Though the twinkle in his eyes had dimmed and his giggle was less quick we none the less still felt our solid bond. I hugged him mightily when our visit ended. I guess we both knew that that would be our last time together. It angers me that it was such a long, slow course that finally took Pop to God's arms. He suffered much the last 5 years or so and there was no good reason for that to happen to such a good and gentle man but then there are no answers to the Lord's plan.
I know that now, freed of pain and this life's burdens, he's probably walking the farm with his brother Charlie, Grandpa and his old dog Sam. Jim...May you eternally be in God's embrace... Rest gently now my old friend.
Paulie was one of my first battle hardened captains. He took a chance on a young, snot nosed salt (me) who was brash with confidence and potential. When you worked with Paulie you became one of "Paulie's Boys" literally becoming one of his family, welcome in his home and on his boat. While not large in stature it was the size of his heart and the lessons that he passed on that were invaluable. We lovingly, and respectfully, nicknamed him the "Crazy Greek" and he never failed to live up to the label.
He always seemed to be harder on Ol' Cappy than with the others. I happened to mention that to his delightful wife Joan, her reply was one of the highest compliments I ever received, she said "That's because you remind him allot of himself when he was your age...He wants to make sure you do things right!" He taught, I learned...Work hard then you can play hard. I made note on how Paulie lead men and women, how he got people to give that extra effort and then after we had achieved our goals, how to be gracious about it. Yes, Paulie was special, my mentor, my friend.
It was inevitable that Ol' Cappy would move on to other places and jobs, Paulie had prepared me well. It had been nearly 25 years since I'd last seen him and not quite that many since I'd gotten any word about him but when it came the message was sad and final. Paulie had been in a bad way the last few years battling Parkinsons and it finally claimed him. He died at an age where people say it was too soon for him to go and selfishly I would tend to agree but if I would have seen him in pain and suffering...Well, that's just a whole different lot.
I could go on about both these fine men but I think it might be good for Ol' Cappy to let their memories rest for a little while since I've shead my tears. Let me paraphrase a small passage I learned on my journeys: "May you always ride the wings of the morning and dwell in the uppermost parts of the sea..."
Arrr...Cappy Out.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
To All Who Stand Tall...
Ahhh...The 4th of July...Its good to be in port to celebrate the great American birthday! I hope ye all will take a pause from your weinies and froth to say a prayer and give thanks to all the brave men and women who stand tall and let us enjoy a day like this.
Cappy say's "Thank You" and a hearty "Arrrr..." to ye all!
Cappy say's "Thank You" and a hearty "Arrrr..." to ye all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)